What they don’t teach you in schools and colleges

Tags

character qualities, College, Guldasta, Happiness overloaded, Happy, Inspiring You Tuber, life skills, Maj Pradeep khare, Online course, Parents, School, social skills, Students, Successful, teachers, Youth

                                       

I am sure all of you have gone to schools and some of you have studied in Colleges too.

There are many subjects taught in educational institutions like languages, Mathematics, Sciences, Humanities, Engineering, medicine, law, etc. Conventional wisdom tells us that students should get high marks in school to get into a good college, then get high marks in college to get selected for a good job which will then lead to a successful career. However, a study by the Tata Institute of Social Science Research has shown that there is no correlation between students’ academic achievements and their success in life.

“Education is what survives after you have forgotten what you learned at school “opined the famous psychologist B. F. Skinner.

What is meant by phrase being successful in life? Does it mean getting a good job and earning a high salary? Or leading a happy and peaceful life as a responsible citizen?

“Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune,” said Jim Rohn.

Many students who can be termed average or poor in terms of results are working in top-notch companies or have started own business and doing really well. They may not have scored good marks but they acquired life skills besides formal education. A peep into their lives shows that self-education acquired through reading, interacting with people, and passionately chasing their dreams, made them really successful.

We have a long list of college dropouts like Jack Ma, Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, who made it big, leaving behind toppers. Many of the topper students could not clear interviews to get decent jobs and ended up as a round peg in a square hole. Hence real parameter of success should not be achievements like degree-promotions-pay checks but should be happiness-peace-love!

I would like to reiterate, that by no means, I am trying to underrate the curriculum or dissuading students from putting their heart and soul in studies and excelling therein. I am looking at a broader perspective of developing a balanced personality leading to happiness and success in the real sense of the term.

In a constantly changing environment, having life skills is an essential part of being able to meet the challenges of everyday life. It is difficult to believe, that people are hired for plush jobs because of high IQ, but they are fired because of low EQ.

Do you know that out of every four people three are not happy? Do you know that more than ninety percent of the people are so busy that they don’t have time for themselves or their families? Do you know that stress is the biggest killer in the age group 30 to 40 years? A recent survey found that over 70 % of people the age group 30-50 are obese. The increasing rate of crimes committed by so-called educated people puts a question mark on the relevance of degrees in the present context. Strained relationships not only in families but also among neighbors and colleagues at work are posing a serious challenge these days. Road rage, bullying, violence, rapes are threatening the social fabric of our society. Precious resources like water and electricity are being wasted and nature is being rampaged. The values of helping, sharing, and caring are soon becoming extinct.

I don’t mean to paint a gloomy picture of the things to come. There is certainly a solution. The teaching of schools and colleges needs to be augmented with life education, developing character qualities and inculcating certain traits that enable a person to become a better version of oneself. This way we will make this world a better place to live in.

101 such life skills have been explained in my book “101 ways of becoming better”. It is available by clicking on the link https://www.amazon.in/dp/9382524770

Besides this, I am uploading powerful videos regularly on my YouTube channel Guldasta which will facilitate you to become happy and successful.

.https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCim06yvacuWXV2qr8oFTzNg/videos?view=0&sort=dd&shelf_id=1&view_as=subscriber

To fill this ever-widening gap between formal education and education for life we have designed an online course which includes the following:

1. Understanding success and failure.
2. Be a good listener
3. Learn to say ‘no’
4. How to maintain cordial relationships.
5. How to create a good first impression.
6. How to overcome procrastination.
7. How to manage your time.
8. How to handle criticism.
9. How to identify real friends.
10. How to spend limited time on social media.
11. Mobile etiquettes.
12. How to apologize properly.
13. How to develop a civic sense.
14. How to get over the fear of public speaking.
15. How to remove clutter and get organized.
16. How to remember names.
17. How to maintain good health.
18. Culture, heritage, and nationalism.
19. Developing the reading habit.
20. Care for the environment.
21. Goal setting.
22. Value of money.
23. Manners and etiquettes.
24. Coping with stress.
25. Helping and the joy of giving.

The link for enrolling for this online course is available on our website Happiness overloaded.

 

 

The importance of sense of humor

Tags

health, humor, jokes, laugh, mood, relationships

“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Overview

Life is complex enough in itself. We should try to enjoy the light moments, otherwise, life’s trying times could drown us in self-pity and bitterness. In everyday life, the common man suffers from a lot of stress and tensions. We are subjected to trivial and significant challenges every day, but the way we choose to respond to them is what will make the difference. To a certain extent, one has the power to make the best out of the worst situation, just by tackling it with a sense of humor.

What is a sense of humor?

There are several ways to manifest a sense of humor.Making people laugh by cracking jokes, enacting gestures, mannerisms, and mimicry are classic examples of a sense of humour.It should be remembered that sarcasm cannot be taken as humor.Making fun of someone’s weakness exposes the shallow mentality of the person, rather than creating humor. It is better to laugh at oneself as most comedians do, instead of laughing at others.

Advantages of a sense of humor

1. Attracts people to you

People like to laugh, they like to get rid of their stress and just have a good time. As a result, they like hanging around with people who make them laugh and are fun to be with.

2. Helps to cope with Stress

Stress is something we all have to deal with. A healthy sense of humor helps to diffuse the stress and divert attention from the problems.

3. Provides health benefits

Laughing has been shown to improve your immune system by helping your body produce more infection-fighting materials. It has also been shown to relax your muscles and lower your blood pressure, making it a great way to keep your heart healthy and lower your chances of having a heart attack.

4. Helps to improve your mood

Whenever your mood is low because of any situation, a pinch of humor adds spice to life and uplifts the mood.

5. It’s Good For Your Brain

Another benefit of having a good sense of humor is that laughing is good for your brain. According to a study by the University of London, good jokes can activate the part of the brain that is important for learning and comprehending.

“Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.” Edward de Bono

6. Helps to strengthen friendships

You feel closer to people with whom you are able to have a good laugh. By joking around with friends and family, you not only enjoy a good time with someone you care about, you are also building a bond and a treasure of memory that you will cherish in times to come.

7. Helps to diffuse anger

When you are angry, the situation is likely to turn from bad to worse. When you joke around, it is easy to get others to forgive your mistakes and it is easier for you to avoid getting angry with other people as well.

8. Helps those around you

By having a sense of humor you can help others around you laugh and cope with their problems. Knowing that you are making someone else’s day and you are helping them relax and enjoy life for a minute can be rewarding all by itself.

9. Creates a good impression.

A friendly appearance with a bright smile on your face and a good sense of humor helps you to make a good first impression.

10. Helps in improving relationships.

In addition, humor is an effective cure for disagreements, anger and hurts. During the difficult time in your relationship, sharing a good laugh will be enough to bridge the gap and fill the crack. Last but not least, humor helps to strengthen your relationships.

Ways to develop a sense of humor

A sense of humor like other traits is inherited but it can also be developed by conscious effort. The following are some of the ways to develop a sense of humor:

• Read and listen to healthy jokes for all occasions.
• Watch comedy serials.
• Watch comic videos on youtube or elsewhere.
• Keep the company of witty and humorous people.
• Practice the art of cracking jokes.
• Develop a keen sense of observation with a view to add appropriate humor wherever possible.
• Start adding humor in your lives first within the family, then extend it to friends, acquaintances and even strangers.
• Always remember to keep your humor and your smile even during the hardest times of your life.

Takeaway

Humor is not only good for your health physically and emotionally, but it also improves your relationships. Moreover, having a good sense of humor helps you to stay healthy emotionally.

The challenge for everyone is to become more aware of how to add humor, and when to avoid it. Too much humor, like too much spice, often annoys others. Humor that is perceived as insensitive often leads others to shut down, or become argumentative. To ensure that our humor is welcomed by others, we need to combine our humor with speaking clearly and listening effectively.

To sum up, having a good sense of humor is one of the most important human qualities. We can use jokes to release our stress and to lighten our spirit. Let me end with a quote by Henry Ward Beecher “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road. “

 

 

 

Coping with Peer Pressure

What is peer pressure?

Peer pressure is the phenomenon wherein we tend to get influenced by the lifestyles and the ways of thinking of our peers. The changing ways of life of our peers often force us to change our ways of looking at life and leading it. It’s a human tendency to do what the crowd does. Few have the courage to resist the peer pressure and be their own selves rather than being one among the lot.

Why do we come under peer pressure?

Some of the common reasons of children coming under peer pressure are:

• They are afraid of being rejected by their friends.
• They do not want to lose a good friend.
• They want to be liked by their friends.
• They don’t want others to make fun of them or bully them.

Positive peer pressure

If you are fortunate to get a good peer group, your friends can play a vital role in the shaping of your personality. Their way of looking at life may influence you to change for the better. Some of your close friends may not pressurize you to do things, but rather inspire you to change yourself. You may emulate their good qualities and benefit from them. Positive encouragement from them would bring about constructive changes in your personality.

Peers can have a positive influence on each other. Maybe some student in your science class taught you an easy way to remember the planets in the solar system or someone on the soccer team taught you a cool trick with the ball. You might admire a friend who is always a good sport and try to be more like him or her. Maybe you got others excited about your new favorite book, and now everyone’s reading it. These are examples of how peers positively influence each other every day.

Negative peer pressure

Many a time, it so happens, that we are forced to lead a certain kind of lifestyle, adopt certain styles of fashion, clothing, hairdo, and music due to peer pressure. You may not like partying on every weekend, you may not like night outs with friends, you may hate drinking or smoking, but peer pressure may make you do all that you had never wished to. You may take to something as grave as drug use, and that too, only because of peer pressure. You may not like a certain idea or the professional field but forced to join the rat race because peers are also treading the same path. It is an extremely dangerous trend that can ruin the career of a person.

10 Ways to deal with negative peer pressure

1. Say “No” like you mean it.

Make eye contact, then say “No” forcefully, with authority. The more certain you are in your refusal, the fewer people will bug you.

2. Get away from the pressure zone.

Leave the scene… make your exit.

3. Avoid stressful situations in the first place.

If you know there’s going to be alcohol or drugs at a party, make other plans.

4. Use the buddy system.

Find a friend who shares your values and back each other up.

5. Confront the leader of the pack.

The best way to handle a peer pressure bully is to nab him (or her) when the two of you

are alone and explain how you’re feeling and ask him/her to get off your case.

6. Consider the results of giving in.

Take a moment to think about the consequences of your actions.

7. Look for positive role models.

Ever notice that the really popular and successful teens at your school are the ones who

weren’t afraid to say what they like and don’t like?

8. Don’t buy the line that everyone’s doing it.

The truth is, everyone’s NOT doing it.

9. Evaluate your friendships.

If your friends are always bugging you to do something you’re not comfortable with, remember that true friends like you for who you are, not who they want you to be.

10. Confide in your parents.

Whenever you feel uncomfortable under peer pressure, always take your parents advice.

Teenagers and peer pressure

Teenage is that phase of life when you are exposed to the world outside for the first time. These are the years when you spend most of your time with your friends. Every day your behavior is influenced by negative and positive approaches of others. Teenage is the phase of beginning to become independent in life; the years of forming your ideas and principles, the years that shape your personality and the years that introduce you to your own self. Adolescents often spend most of their daily time with friends, they tend to imitate their friends. When a person’s peers mock him/her or make them feel bad, this person becomes insecure. They begin to feel down and rejected. Many teenagers who give in easily to negative pressures had a difficult childhood low self-esteem, feeling of not belonging, and disturbed the state of mind.

Role of parents

Parents and teachers need to be careful while dealing with teenagers, as they are most susceptible to succumb to peer pressure during these years of their life. Teenage individuals need to be taught to distinguish between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong.

If you choose friends who don’t use drugs, cut class, smoke cigarettes or lie to their parents, then you probably won’t do these things either, even if other kids do. If you continue to face peer pressure and you’re finding it difficult to handle, discuss your problem with a parent, teacher, or school counselor.

Parents should keep the lines of communication open. You can do this by staying connected to your child. This can help make her feel more comfortable talking to you if she’s feeling swayed to do something she’s uncomfortable with. If you notice changes in your child’s mood, behavior, eating or sleeping patterns, which you think is because of her friends, it might be time to have a talk with her.

A strong support from family, an ability to differentiate between the positive and the negative and a skill to choose friends from the peers – this three-pronged strategy is the best way to keep away from negative peer pressure.

 

How to handle rejection?

Tags

characteristics, failure, fear, overlooked, proposal, rejected

“Live your life for you, not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker

Overview

Whether you were not invited to a social engagement, your matrimonial proposal has been rejected or you were overlooked for a promotion, rejection hurts. The way you choose to respond to rejection, however, could determine the entire course of your future.

If you never get rejected, you may be living well within your comfort zone. You can’t be sure you’re pushing yourself to your limits until you get rejected.

Instances of rejection

• One of the hardest areas to be rejected is romantic love. The suffering that comes with this type of rejection is considerably harder than in most other types.
• You apply for a job wherein you possess all the qualifications and experience required, but you are rejected.
• In spite of having a well-paying job, attractive personality and good family background your matrimonial proposal is rejected.
• Your manuscript of a stunning novel is rejected by a publisher.

Why do people reject you?

Some of the main reasons why people reject you are as follows:

• Their opinion and outlook are different from yours.
• People can also reject you because of their own personal prejudices, values, or beliefs.
• They are looking for some attributes which you don’t possess.
• At some point of time, they realize, you are not the person they presumed you to be.
• They are only seeing external beauty and ignoring your positive characteristics and your invaluable qualities which you undoubtedly possess.

How to handle rejection

If you didn’t get the job you were really hoping for, don’t lose heart. Try to analyze the possible reasons: you may need to prepare more extensively, enhance your qualifications, improve your communication skills etc. Keep applying for similar jobs and maintain the momentum of preparation. An unsuccessful job interview does not feel so bad if another one is scheduled for tomorrow.

Do not take rejection personally. Remember that the rejection says nothing about you as a person. They were rejecting your resume, not you.

If your manuscript gets rejected by one publisher, it is good to stop and reflect on what it was that didn’t work for them, and revise it accordingly. But you should keep contacting other publishers and agents, and sooner than later you will see your book in print.

Dwelling on it will make you unhappy. You need to be able to accept that things don’t always work out the way you want them to and that’s okay! Just because one thing didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you’re a failure, or that nothing will work out.

Don’t complain too much. Avoid getting on social media to air your grievances. One of the best phrases to use is “it didn’t work out” because it removes the blame from them and guilt from you.

There is much more to life than rejection

Learn a new skill, a new game, develop a new hobby. It will keep you busy and help you to heal. Find time to travel to new places, meet new people and discover new opportunities. Interacting with some trusted people will really help, because they can share with you their experiences of facing rejection in life.

You may also like to know why you got rejected – interviews where you were rejected, your suggestions and proposals which were turned down. Let them know you accept the rejection, and you sincerely want to learn what went wrong, so you can improve. When done in an appropriate and sincere manner, the other party will often be more than willing to share the feedback and help you to improve.

Learn from the rejection

• Rejection from potential employers should became a motivation to enrich your resume and enroll in professional development courses.
• Use rejection as an opportunity to move forward with more wisdom.
• If you can understand the reason behind the rejection, you can do things differently next time. This will be immensely helpful in your growth.
• Rejection can be a good teacher. Analysis helps in knowing what people want, identifying my shortcomings and finding ways to overcome them.

Takeaway

One person’s opinion, or one single incident, should never define who you are. Don’t let your self-worth depend upon other people’s opinions of you. Just because someone else thinks something about you, doesn’t mean it’s true.

Mentally strong people don’t make sweeping generalizations when they’re rejected. If one company turns them down for a job, they don’t declare themselves incompetent. Or, if they get rejected by a single love interest, they don’t conclude they’re unlovable.

Rejection happens, even to the best of us. It’s how you react to rejection that makes all the difference.

 

 

 

Are You Focusing on the Black Dot?

Tags

attention, black dot, criticism, imperfection, shortcoming

Overview

Consider the image below this line. What do you notice right away?

If your answer is “the black dot,” like many other people, it just shows how our mind has been programmed to see the hardly 1% portion which is black, ignoring the 99% which is sparkling white. It highlights the average person’s tendency to focus on “imperfections” and “issues” represented by the black dot, while the white paper represents everything else which is perfect and going well.

Why do we see only the black dot?

There are many reasons why we are conditioned to see the black dot.

• Right from our childhood most of the elders are always pointing at the shortcomings, rather than praising the good points.
• The print and electronic media are constantly highlighting news about scams, scandals, terrorist attacks, accidents and other crimes.
• During the course of general conversation, people enjoy criticisms, condemnations and fault finding.
• Most of the popular TV serials are based on conspiracy, fear, broken relationships and deceit.

Real life examples

You want to quit your job and pursue your dreams. You choose to listen and be daunted by naysayers who warn you about the risks involved.Remember they aren’t even living the life that you want.

You are so beautiful with sharp features, but instead of celebrating that, you focus on the areas of “imperfection” like a bit of extra weight, oily skin or a mole on your body.

You have a job with a good package, nice colleagues, and continuous learning opportunities, but you focus on how strict your boss is, being a hard task master.

You get compliments day in and out which you don’t pay much attention to, yet when you receive an insensitive comment by someone who doesn’t even matter in your life, you take it to heart and start feeling depressed.

You have a painful cavity in one tooth.You shift your attention from the 31 healthy teeth to this one.

You break up with your best friend, just because she didn’t wish you on your birthday, ignoring the innumerable favors she did to you.

What happens when we see only the black dot?

By focusing on what is lacking in our lives, we create more experiences of scarcity. The law of attraction works to bring more situations of imperfections in our lives which add to our tensions. People who are conditioned to see the black dot become pessimistic. They invite failures in their life. When they start pointing the shortcomings in other people’s lives and criticizing them they lose friends and become aloof.

Don’t ignore the black dot

Some of you may feel that ignoring the black dot is not the answer and that you need to focus on the black dot and do something about it. Well, if you choose this strategy, here are three possibilities; keep worrying about it, keep complaining about it or take some concrete steps to reduce or eliminate the black dot. The only sensible thing to do is the later, but a majority people prefer the former, which keeps them miserable.

Once you start exploring ways to remove the black dot, without any feeling of inferiority complex, or tension the solution will not be far away. It would be prudent to consult others who had similar issues and how they got over them.

How to Stop Focusing on the Black Dot?

The only way to stop focusing on the black dot is to shift your attention to the white portion which dominates the scene. In life, we tend to overlook and take for granted many wonderful things that happen around us and focus our attention on small, dot-like failures and disappointments. See the black dot (the problem) as it is. Don’t overly magnify its presence, but don’t ignore it either.

I am quite convinced that, if we paid more attention to the majority of things that are going well in our lives, we will have a better attitude and we’d get better results. When we look back into our lives, we mostly ponder over the things that we wish were different. But such thoughts only create unhappiness, so are worthless.

Count your blessings

What about the basic necessities of life? Do you feel gratitude every day for the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the house you stay in, the love of your near and dear ones, or do you take all of these things for granted? Worse yet, do you complain that you don’t have more?

And let’s not forget your body and your health. Your heart and brain are working tirelessly 24x7x365 to ensure smooth functioning of your whole body. Your lungs, kidneys, eyes, ears, teeth, hands, feet are healthy and enabling you to enjoy each moment. Stop taking this incredible body for granted. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Be happy and live a life filled with love.

Takeaway

Great leaders find counsel in the words of Henry David Thoreau: “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Our life is a gift given to us with love and care, and we always have reasons to celebrate – our friends, the job that provides our livelihood, happy and caring family… Take your eyes away from the black dots in your life. Enjoy all the blessings, each moment, life gives you. Be happy and live a life filled with love!

 

 

How to keep away from gossip

Tags

conversation, curiosity, gossip, reputations, secret, thrill

Overview

It has been said, “Gossip is a national pastime”. Whenever people find free time, at home, in school, college, or in office they resort to gossiping. According to Yale University researcher, we spend at least 60% of our conversations talking about people who are not with us at that time. While it’s a human tendency to gossip occasionally, some people can go overboard with it. Ironically, the more we talk, the less we are able to communicate.

“People love gossip. It’s the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.”

~ Ellen DeGeneres

But gossip is also a dangerous weapon, one that can ruin reputations, poison relationships and halt careers.” Gossip can spread toxins as dissatisfied workers backbite and generate feelings of unhappiness. With the advent of mobile phones and other electronic gadgets, people tend to install several social media apps and get involved in gossip over the phone.

Why do people gossip?

People who gossip may talk ill about others because they lack self-esteem. People who gossip say bad things about other people to make themselves feel better by comparison. Gossip is a negative conversation, usually with bad intentions, that is spread by others and it is a source of much hatred in our society.

“The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business.”

~ George Bernard Shaw

Gossip arouses our curiosity. Maybe you feel a thrill at the thought of a secret being revealed to you about another person. The person who gossips is someone who carries some resentment towards you and who doesn’t have the courage to face you directly and so he finds no other option other than talking about you in your absence.

What does gossip do to you?

“People will question all the good things they hear about you but believe all the bad without a second thought.” ~ Unknown

Gossip robs you of energy and is a cheap way to feel good about yourself. These days WhatsApp messaging consumes most of our time and people get engrossed in chatting instead of doing their job. Moreover, spending time pointing out others’ flaws, when they aren’t there to defend themselves, is not a positive way to have a conversation.

How to keep yourself away from Gossiping

People who are spreading gossip (and most people do at some time or another) don’t spend a lot of time getting facts. In fact, they have usually heard the information they’re spreading second or third hand.

Whenever you feel the urge to gossip, ask yourself,

• Would I say this on their face?
• Is it really true?
• Am I doing this to make myself feel better?
• Is this something that is hearsay?
• Am I angry about them or something they’ve done?
• Do I need to say it right now?

“Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.” ~ Marie Curie

How to deal with gossip mongers?

In my experience, the best thing is to distance yourself from these people as much as possible. They’re most likely going to gossip about you anyway, so it is best to ignore them if you can.

“Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.” ~ Spanish Proverb

The point I want to make, however, is that if you don’t respond to the gossip, they’ll eventually leave you alone. If you fight back, it means their taunts and gossip are working and they’ll continue.

When someone comes to you with a juicy bit of harmful gossip, find a way to deflect the situation, or make the gossiper aware of the harmful nature of what they’re saying

Sometimes you just have to move away from negative gossiping and focus on something more positive. If you simply don’t want to make a big deal out of the situation, you could make an excuse “I have to get back to work” or “I have to go home,” etc.

Takeaway

Never say anything about a person you wouldn’t say to him directly. It’s easy to gossip about those that are successful and going for their dreams. But realize it takes humility to let yourself be inspired by their success and use it as inspiration to live your highest. It’s easy to gossip about those that are negative and “failing” in life. But it takes courage to hold them with compassion, amidst their pain, and send them love instead.

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game?

Tags

blame game, blaming, change, fault, problems, responsibility

“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that three of his fingers are pointing at himself.”   

― Louis Nizer

Overview

One of the most destructive human pastimes is playing the blame game. It has been responsible for a considerable amount of human frustration and unhappiness. The blame game consists of blaming another person for an event or state of affairs thought to be undesirable. The truth is we don’t like to admit when we are wrong and when we are caught; we like to shift the blame to someone or something else. If we are stopped for speeding we immediately offer an excuse, such as “I was going with the flow of traffic” (blaming someone else) or “I didn’t see the sign noting the speed change” (blaming something else). We try to absolve ourselves of the responsibility of our actions.

Why do people blame others?

People start to blame everyone around them as soon as anything bad happens because of the following reasons:

Loss of control: Some people panic when they lose control of a situation and so they try to restore the sense of being in control by blaming others!!

Controlling others: Some people try to control others by blaming them and making them feel that they are at fault.

Acquired from parents: Some parents have failed to teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions and so they grew up as adults who blame others whenever something bad happens.

Refusing to take responsibility: Some people can’t admit failures and mistakes so they blame others for them in order to escape from the responsibility. Unable to accept what happened: People blame others when they fail to accept something that happened.

How to deal with people who always blame others?

1) Talk to the person, ask them why they feel others are to blame in specific situations and consider their answer. Believe in your instinct and common sense and ask yourself if you are really to blame in a situation where you are being blamed.

2)Let them know how it made you feel, when they blamed you for something that you felt was not your fault or was out of your control, but don’t argue.

3) Sometimes the best course of action is to simply remove yourself from the situation and leave the affected parties to fight their own battles.

4) Forget blame and focus on where to go from here: Get used to saying out loud: “Okay, it happened! For the time being, we need to focus on making things better!”

Stop blaming everyone else for your problems

Stop blaming everyone else for your problems. Blaming other people for the reason why you don’t have something will give all your power away to the other person. Your life is your responsibility. And it’s only when you take full responsibility for your life is when you actually do something about it.

Regardless of how much you blame others, it will not change your life; but the less you blame others, the more you will exercise greater intuition and greater judgment about what’s really going on.

5 reasons why successful people never blame others:

1: When You Don’t Blame Others You Become Resilient.

To be resilient is to recognize that if you are dissatisfied with certain aspects of your life, then it is your responsibility to take the initiative and do something about it.

2: When You Don’t Blame Others You Become More Confident.

Lack of confidence in ourselves and our abilities is a major reason we blame others when something goes wrong.

3: When You Don’t Blame Others You Stop Making Excuses For Yourself

Stop blaming others for what you have or don’t have, or for what you feel or don’t feel.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility and aggravate the problem. Blaming is just another excuse, and making excuses is the first step towards failure; you and only you are responsible for your life choices and decisions.

4: When You Don’t Blame Others You Allow Space for Personal Growth

Instead of concentrating on what others did wrong, focus on what you can do now, and then do it.This will enable you to develop as a person and make progress.

5: When You Blame Others You Become the Victim

When you feel the victim, you try to gain power over the situation by blaming other people for it. Loss of control over one’s life is always associated with feelings of helplessness.

The history of all successful people indicates that they do make a lot of mistakes before they get it right and succeed. The successful people take the blame gracefully and begin to find a way for avoiding it next time.

Takeaway

When you blame others, you presume that your actions were right, it was the system, the environment, the government, the boss, or whosoever was wrong. It is they who need to change, not you.You give up your power to change; you create an environment of de-motivation around you by the negative energy of blaming. Success is in taking responsibility for the results as the first step for bringing in the desired results. Time spent in blaming is a total waste. You must accept responsibility for your actions and their consequences, rather than blaming others. The system is rarely responsible for your problems, and much happiness and success will come from accepting full responsibility for your current situation.

I can tell you this – to stop playing the blame game is to be free indeed. Whenever the chance comes your way to sign up for the blame game – answer with two words: ‘Not participating!’

Photo credit: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/dont-play-blame-game-steve-blakeman

Learn to Respond, Not React

Tags

control, disagree, react, respond, situation

Overview

We have all heard the famous saying, “life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how you react to it.” Imagine going to the doctor for medication and returning for a follow-up visit. In one case the doctor says you are reacting to the medication, in the other case the doctor says you are responding to the treatment. When anything happens in the environment to cause you feel the slightest bit threatened, ranging from someone cutting you off in traffic to a coworker making a critical remark, your brain activates in the reactive mode.  We are uncomfortable with what is being said or done, and we react. In our reactions, our emotions take a central role. We lose control. Reacting is sporadic and emotional. Responding, though, is more thoughtful.

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” ~Laurence J. Peter

 

Difference between react and respond

Reacting is fast; responding is slow. When I react, I do it right away. When I respond, I take my time. Responding is guided less by emotion and more by logic.

Reacting is automatic; responding is conscious. When I react, it’s almost as if there’s something automatic pushing me toward a certain direction. When I respond, it’s a conscious process. I weigh my options and then move forward.

Reacting is extreme; responding is balanced. When I react, I tend to go to extremes. I do something and do it all the way. When I respond, it’s usually more balanced. I might take a small step in one direction and then see how it goes.

The choice to react happens in my own head; responding often involves other people. When I react, I don’t get any feedback from others. There isn’t enough time, I just make a decision and go with it. When I respond, I often have the chance to ask other people in my life what they think. I’m able to get feedback and incorporate it into my response.

 “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

– Viktor E. Frankl

Real life examples

React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better.

Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath and consider the situation. The first response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to the world without it. Third, help her clean up, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.

This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our wife nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

How to respond, not react

When someone says something you don’t like, take a deep breath before speaking.

This also applies to writing since we have so many conversations via text message, email, Facebook messages and the like… and the idea is to give yourself time to notice how you’re feeling, how you’re reacting internally before you express it externally to the other person or people involved.

‘Do you have the patience to wait?

Till your mud settles and the water is clear?

~Lao Tzu

So often our initial reaction gets us in trouble, it causes the other person or people to also get defensive and react, and then the cycle whirls out of control. You can stop this by taking a deep breath and keeping quiet.

Appreciate that everyone is different.

Your friends, family, colleagues, and even your acquaintances you bump into as you go through life will all have had different life experiences than you. So the next time someone says something that you totally disagree with and you find yourself feeling out of sorts, ask yourself if you can accept that this person is different from you. Not wrong necessarily, just different.

Get the opinion of others

There might be something about our situation that we just aren’t able to see because we’re too immersed in it. Make a commitment to call at least one person and ask their thoughts on the situation before making a decision. Tell them the situation, how you are feeling, and what you plan to do. Get their unbiased opinion.

Plan the next step

What’s the next step? After the above three steps, your mind would have certainly cooled down.You are now in a position to have an unbiased view of the situation. Plan a thoughtful response and take things forward in the right direction.

Takeaway

Ask yourself whether you respond to life, or react to life? Ask yourself who or what you allow to control your attitude and, therefore, your actions. Do you have the power to control your words and the way you feel or you have given the power to others? “You cannot tailor-make the situations in life, but you can tailor-make the attitudes in advance to fit that situation in life.” Remember, reacting out of emotion breeds anger, depression, negativism, bitterness. Responding out of strength and understanding breeds hope and creativity, and it breeds action

http://www.joshuanhook.com/plan-to-respond-not-react/

How to Stop Saying ‘Yes’ When You Want to Say’ No’

Tags

approval, firmly, impolite, no, stress, yes

Overview

Sometimes I even find myself thinking “no, no, no, no” and then I blurt out “yes” Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right? After feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, it got me thinking. I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it. I realized, was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

 Why it is so difficult to say ‘no’?

I realize this is not just a challenge that I face, but one that many people go through every day. It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say’ yes’ also comes a lack of self-confidence. Saying’ no ‘doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind.

 

We are conditioned to say yes

The first step to learning to say ‘no’ is to know from where these beliefs have come. Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say ‘no’ when you were a little kid and why it has become so difficult now? Well, as children, we learned that saying ‘no’ was impolite or inappropriate. If you said ‘no’ to your mom, dad, teacher, uncle, grandparents, and so on, you were most certainly considered to be being rude, and you would have probably been ticked off for it.

Now that we are all adults, we are more mature and capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, saying ‘no’ should not be a big deal. But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate ‘no’ with being ill mannered, unkind, or selfish.

Knowing Your Value

The second step to learning to say ‘no’ is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others. I have learned that if you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy. If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.”

Is It Really Worth It?

The third step to learning to say ’no’ is deciding if saying yes is really worth it. After committing to something, doubt eventually sets in and you may begin to think of ways you can get out of it. And if you don’t have any good excuses, you then have to decide if you are going to tell the truth or come up with a lie. Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying ‘yes’ has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say ‘no’ in the first place?

Helpful Tips for Saying No

Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.” Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons. Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling. Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later. Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no. Sometimes, you don’t need to give a “yes” or a “no” answer on the spot. Try to defer your answer when faced with a request that you cannot accept immediately by saying, “Give me some time to think about it” or “Let me get back to you in 15 minutes.” After weighing the pros and cons, give your answer and offer a reason if necessary. This way, even if the requester doesn’t get a “yes” from you, he/she appreciates knowing you’ve seriously considered the request.

Easy and Effective Ways to Say “No”

Here are more simple and direct ways to say “no” for you to practice.

“No. Let’s find another way to get it done.”

“No, I can’t do it at such short notice. I have something else scheduled for that time.”

“No, not now. I don’t feel like doing that today. I’d rather do something else.”

“No, I don’t know this topic well enough to do a decent job.”

“No, I don’t want to take on anything that I can’t fully commit to doing well.”

“No, I have a personal policy about not working on Saturdays or not missing my evening workout.”

“No, it’s impossible for me to do that. Please try someone else.”

Takeaway

Not being able to say “no” leads people into doing things they don’t respect themselves for doing. Saying “yes” becomes wrong when they want to say “no” and it is in their best interest to say “no,” but instead they resign and say, “OK, I’ll do it.”Not being able to say “no” distracts people from their priorities and tasks that they really want to get completed. They become so encumbered doing the things they don’t want to do that they have neither the time nor the energy for the things that are most important to them. The key to saying “no” is to say it firmly, succinctly, and without an overlong explanation.

Photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/31064702@N05/3706154339/”>Dawn Huczek</a> via <a href=”https://visualhunt.com/re/66acbd”>VisualHunt.com</a&gt; / <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”&gt; CC BY</a>

The magic of gratitude

Tags

appreciation, grateful, gratitude, optimism, thank

Overview

There are so many things happening in our lives some make us happy, and others unhappy. We teach children to say ‘thank you’ to anyone who helps them, gives them something or does them a favor. But these good manners are soon forgotten. As we grow up we take most of the things for granted and life becomes stressful as relationships turn sour. What to talk of human beings we even don’t feel thankful to God for all His blessings. In this materialistic world of today, people are running a race, which they want to win at any cost. The cost could be in terms of stress, aches, and pains, lack of sleep or low self-esteem.

The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word ‘gratia’ which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible.

Dr. P. Murali Doraiswamy, head of biologic psychology at Duke University Medical Center once stated that: “If [thankfulness] were a drug, it would be the world’s best-selling product with a health maintenance indication for every major organ system.”

I am reminded of a fable in which heaven was visualized. There was an enclosure where lots of applications were kept. These were requests from people asking for one thing or another, which were being processed here. There was another enclosure where lots of gifts were kept neatly packed. These gifts were being sent to the people who had prayed for them. Then there was a very small enclosure ‘acknowledgements’. It was the enclosure for keeping the messages of thanks sent by the people after receiving their desired gifts. This enclosure was the smallest because very few people remember to thank God.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” -Cicero

A person who was in depression and had attempted suicide was taken to a doctor. When asked the reason for his depression, he said “I have lost my capital in the business, my friends have betrayed me as a result of which I am under great stress. As I have nothing more to lose, I want to end my life” The doctor told him that he still was a ‘crorepati’.The man was amazed. The doctor explained “you have a loving and caring family. You also have healthy eyes, kidneys, liver, knees, and heart. The cost of transplanting these would run in crores. If only you would express gratitude to God daily for all the parts of your body, and loving family, you will come out of depression.”

Benefits of gratitude

• Gratitude brings with it optimism which in turn makes us happier, improves our health, and has been shown to increase lifespan.
• Gratitude and positive emotion, in general, are among the strongest relaxants known to man.
• Expressing gratitude to family members enhances cordial relations and bonds the family.
• Expressing gratitude to friends deepens friendships.
• Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, ranging from envy and resentment to frustration and regret.
• Spend just 15 minutes jotting down a few grateful sentiments before going to bed, and you may sleep better and longer.

As we express gratitude more and more, the law of attraction works to create more situations in our life for which we need to express gratitude.

Ways to cultivate gratitude

• Close your eyes and picture three people who made a difference in your life. Whether they are alive or not, think about them and how grateful you are that these people made an impact on you.
• Send a positive, encouraging text to someone right now, thanking that person for something he or she has done for you.
• Whether in response to a gift or kind act or simply as a show of gratitude for someone being in your life, getting into the habit of writing thank-you letters can help you express gratitude in addition to simply feeling it inside.
• One way to harness the positive power of gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal or list, where you actively write down exactly what you’re grateful for each day.
• Once a week, reflect on events for which you are grateful and write them down. As you do, feel the sensations of happiness and thankfulness you felt at the time it happened, going over it again in your mind.
• Expressing thanks during your prayers is another way to cultivate gratitude.
• Be thankful for what you have. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, remember the 1,000 reasons you have to smile.
• Give at least one compliment daily, whether directly to a person or by sharing your appreciation of something.

My experiments with gratitude

In have experienced the magical results of gratitude in my life by

• Thanking God every morning for giving me the gift of a new day,
• Keeping all the parts of my body and mind in a good state of health.
• Protecting me from accidents, misfortunes, diseases, calamities etc.
• Guiding me through all the situations of life.
• Keeping my near and dear ones safe and protected.
• Forgiving all my mistakes and accepting me with all my shortcomings.
• Thanking God every night for keeping me in HIS care the whole day.

By God’s grace, I have never been hospitalized. I am in a healthy state without any problems of BP or diabetes etc. I have served in the Army for two decades and come out without a scratch on my body.

Takeaway

It’s wonderful to see a person smile, and even more wonderful knowing that you are the reason behind it! The law of gratitude is one of the easiest ways of manifesting your true desires. The Greek philosopher said it best, A grateful mind is a great mind which eventually attracts to itself great things.”

Photo credit https://visualhunt.com/f/photo/4979586231/dc5de880e1/