How to Stop Playing the Blame Game?

Tags

blame game, blaming, responsibility, fault, problems, change

“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that three of his fingers are pointing at himself.”   

― Louis Nizer

Overview

One of the most destructive human pastimes is playing the blame game. It has been responsible for a considerable amount of human frustration and unhappiness. The blame game consists of blaming another person for an event or state of affairs thought to be undesirable. The truth is we don’t like to admit when we are wrong and when we are caught; we like to shift the blame to someone or something else. If we are stopped for speeding we immediately offer an excuse, such as “I was going with the flow of traffic” (blaming someone else) or “I didn’t see the sign noting the speed change” (blaming something else). We try to absolve ourselves of the responsibility of our actions.

Why do people blame others?

People start to blame everyone around them as soon as anything bad happens because of the following reasons:

Loss of control: Some people panic when they lose control of a situation and so they try to restore the sense of being in control by blaming others!!

Controlling others: Some people try to control others by blaming them and making them feel that they are at fault.

Acquired from parents: Some parents have failed to teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions and so they grew up as adults who blame others whenever something bad happens.

Refusing to take responsibility: Some people can’t admit failures and mistakes so they blame others for them in order to escape from the responsibility. Unable to accept what happened: People blame others when they fail to accept something that happened.

How to deal with people who always blame others?

1) Talk to the person, ask them why they feel others are to blame in specific situations and consider their answer. Believe in your instinct and common sense and ask yourself if you are really to blame in a situation where you are being blamed.

2)Let them know how it made you feel, when they blamed you for something that you felt was not your fault or was out of your control, but don’t argue.

3) Sometimes the best course of action is to simply remove yourself from the situation and leave the affected parties to fight their own battles.

4) Forget blame and focus on where to go from here: Get used to saying out loud: “Okay, it happened! For the time being, we need to focus on making things better!”

Stop blaming everyone else for your problems

Stop blaming everyone else for your problems. Blaming other people for the reason why you don’t have something will give all your power away to the other person. Your life is your responsibility. And it’s only when you take full responsibility for your life is when you actually do something about it.

Regardless of how much you blame others, it will not change your life; but the less you blame others, the more you will exercise greater intuition and greater judgment about what’s really going on.

5 reasons why successful people never blame others:

1: When You Don’t Blame Others You Become Resilient.

To be resilient is to recognize that if you are dissatisfied with certain aspects of your life, then it is your responsibility to take the initiative and do something about it.

2: When You Don’t Blame Others You Become More Confident.

Lack of confidence in ourselves and our abilities is a major reason we blame others when something goes wrong.

3: When You Don’t Blame Others You Stop Making Excuses For Yourself

Stop blaming others for what you have or don’t have, or for what you feel or don’t feel.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility and aggravate the problem. Blaming is just another excuse, and making excuses is the first step towards failure; you and only you are responsible for your life choices and decisions.

4: When You Don’t Blame Others You Allow Space for Personal Growth

Instead of concentrating on what others did wrong, focus on what you can do now, and then do it.This will enable you to develop as a person and make progress.

5: When You Blame Others You Become the Victim

When you feel the victim, you try to gain power over the situation by blaming other people for it. Loss of control over one’s life is always associated with feelings of helplessness.

The history of all successful people indicates that they do make a lot of mistakes before they get it right and succeed. The successful people take the blame gracefully and begin to find a way for avoiding it next time.

Takeaway

When you blame others, you presume that your actions were right, it was the system, the environment, the government, the boss, or whosoever was wrong. It is they who need to change, not you.You give up your power to change; you create an environment of de-motivation around you by the negative energy of blaming. Success is in taking responsibility for the results as the first step for bringing in the desired results. Time spent in blaming is a total waste. You must accept responsibility for your actions and their consequences, rather than blaming others. The system is rarely responsible for your problems, and much happiness and success will come from accepting full responsibility for your current situation.

I can tell you this – to stop playing the blame game is to be free indeed. Whenever the chance comes your way to sign up for the blame game – answer with two words: ‘Not participating!’

Photo credit: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/dont-play-blame-game-steve-blakeman

Learn to Respond, Not React

Tags

control, disagree, react, respond, situation

Overview

We have all heard the famous saying, “life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how you react to it.” Imagine going to the doctor for medication and returning for a follow-up visit. In one case the doctor says you are reacting to the medication, in the other case the doctor says you are responding to the treatment. When anything happens in the environment to cause you feel the slightest bit threatened, ranging from someone cutting you off in traffic to a coworker making a critical remark, your brain activates in the reactive mode.  We are uncomfortable with what is being said or done, and we react. In our reactions, our emotions take a central role. We lose control. Reacting is sporadic and emotional. Responding, though, is more thoughtful.

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” ~Laurence J. Peter

 

Difference between react and respond

Reacting is fast; responding is slow. When I react, I do it right away. When I respond, I take my time. Responding is guided less by emotion and more by logic.

Reacting is automatic; responding is conscious. When I react, it’s almost as if there’s something automatic pushing me toward a certain direction. When I respond, it’s a conscious process. I weigh my options and then move forward.

Reacting is extreme; responding is balanced. When I react, I tend to go to extremes. I do something and do it all the way. When I respond, it’s usually more balanced. I might take a small step in one direction and then see how it goes.

The choice to react happens in my own head; responding often involves other people. When I react, I don’t get any feedback from others. There isn’t enough time, I just make a decision and go with it. When I respond, I often have the chance to ask other people in my life what they think. I’m able to get feedback and incorporate it into my response.

 “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

– Viktor E. Frankl

Real life examples

React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better.

Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath and consider the situation. The first response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to the world without it. Third, help her clean up, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.

This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our wife nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

How to respond, not react

When someone says something you don’t like, take a deep breath before speaking.

This also applies to writing since we have so many conversations via text message, email, Facebook messages and the like… and the idea is to give yourself time to notice how you’re feeling, how you’re reacting internally before you express it externally to the other person or people involved.

‘Do you have the patience to wait?

Till your mud settles and the water is clear?

~Lao Tzu

So often our initial reaction gets us in trouble, it causes the other person or people to also get defensive and react, and then the cycle whirls out of control. You can stop this by taking a deep breath and keeping quiet.

Appreciate that everyone is different.

Your friends, family, colleagues, and even your acquaintances you bump into as you go through life will all have had different life experiences than you. So the next time someone says something that you totally disagree with and you find yourself feeling out of sorts, ask yourself if you can accept that this person is different from you. Not wrong necessarily, just different.

Get the opinion of others

There might be something about our situation that we just aren’t able to see because we’re too immersed in it. Make a commitment to call at least one person and ask their thoughts on the situation before making a decision. Tell them the situation, how you are feeling, and what you plan to do. Get their unbiased opinion.

Plan the next step

What’s the next step? After the above three steps, your mind would have certainly cooled down.You are now in a position to have an unbiased view of the situation. Plan a thoughtful response and take things forward in the right direction.

Takeaway

Ask yourself whether you respond to life, or react to life? Ask yourself who or what you allow to control your attitude and, therefore, your actions. Do you have the power to control your words and the way you feel or you have given the power to others? “You cannot tailor-make the situations in life, but you can tailor-make the attitudes in advance to fit that situation in life.” Remember, reacting out of emotion breeds anger, depression, negativism, bitterness. Responding out of strength and understanding breeds hope and creativity, and it breeds action

http://www.joshuanhook.com/plan-to-respond-not-react/

How to Stop Saying ‘Yes’ When You Want to Say’ No’

Tags

approval, firmly, impolite, no, stress, yes

Overview

Sometimes I even find myself thinking “no, no, no, no” and then I blurt out “yes” Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right? After feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, it got me thinking. I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it. I realized, was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

 Why it is so difficult to say ‘no’?

I realize this is not just a challenge that I face, but one that many people go through every day. It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say’ yes’ also comes a lack of self-confidence. Saying’ no ‘doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind.

 

We are conditioned to say yes

The first step to learning to say ‘no’ is to know from where these beliefs have come. Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say ‘no’ when you were a little kid and why it has become so difficult now? Well, as children, we learned that saying ‘no’ was impolite or inappropriate. If you said ‘no’ to your mom, dad, teacher, uncle, grandparents, and so on, you were most certainly considered to be being rude, and you would have probably been ticked off for it.

Now that we are all adults, we are more mature and capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, saying ‘no’ should not be a big deal. But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate ‘no’ with being ill mannered, unkind, or selfish.

Knowing Your Value

The second step to learning to say ‘no’ is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others. I have learned that if you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy. If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.”

Is It Really Worth It?

The third step to learning to say ’no’ is deciding if saying yes is really worth it. After committing to something, doubt eventually sets in and you may begin to think of ways you can get out of it. And if you don’t have any good excuses, you then have to decide if you are going to tell the truth or come up with a lie. Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying ‘yes’ has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say ‘no’ in the first place?

Helpful Tips for Saying No

Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.” Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons. Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling. Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later. Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no. Sometimes, you don’t need to give a “yes” or a “no” answer on the spot. Try to defer your answer when faced with a request that you cannot accept immediately by saying, “Give me some time to think about it” or “Let me get back to you in 15 minutes.” After weighing the pros and cons, give your answer and offer a reason if necessary. This way, even if the requester doesn’t get a “yes” from you, he/she appreciates knowing you’ve seriously considered the request.

Easy and Effective Ways to Say “No”

Here are more simple and direct ways to say “no” for you to practice.

“No. Let’s find another way to get it done.”

“No, I can’t do it at such short notice. I have something else scheduled for that time.”

“No, not now. I don’t feel like doing that today. I’d rather do something else.”

“No, I don’t know this topic well enough to do a decent job.”

“No, I don’t want to take on anything that I can’t fully commit to doing well.”

“No, I have a personal policy about not working on Saturdays or not missing my evening workout.”

“No, it’s impossible for me to do that. Please try someone else.”

Takeaway

Not being able to say “no” leads people into doing things they don’t respect themselves for doing. Saying “yes” becomes wrong when they want to say “no” and it is in their best interest to say “no,” but instead they resign and say, “OK, I’ll do it.”Not being able to say “no” distracts people from their priorities and tasks that they really want to get completed. They become so encumbered doing the things they don’t want to do that they have neither the time nor the energy for the things that are most important to them. The key to saying “no” is to say it firmly, succinctly, and without an overlong explanation.

Photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/31064702@N05/3706154339/”>Dawn Huczek</a> via <a href=”https://visualhunt.com/re/66acbd”>VisualHunt.com</a&gt; / <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”&gt; CC BY</a>

The magic of gratitude

Tags

appreciation, grateful, gratitude, optimism, thank

Overview

There are so many things happening in our lives some make us happy, and others unhappy. We teach children to say ‘thank you’ to anyone who helps them, gives them something or does them a favor. But these good manners are soon forgotten. As we grow up we take most of the things for granted and life becomes stressful as relationships turn sour. What to talk of human beings we even don’t feel thankful to God for all His blessings. In this materialistic world of today, people are running a race, which they want to win at any cost. The cost could be in terms of stress, aches, and pains, lack of sleep or low self-esteem.

The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word ‘gratia’ which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible.

Dr. P. Murali Doraiswamy, head of biologic psychology at Duke University Medical Center once stated that: “If [thankfulness] were a drug, it would be the world’s best-selling product with a health maintenance indication for every major organ system.”

I am reminded of a fable in which heaven was visualized. There was an enclosure where lots of applications were kept. These were requests from people asking for one thing or another, which were being processed here. There was another enclosure where lots of gifts were kept neatly packed. These gifts were being sent to the people who had prayed for them. Then there was a very small enclosure ‘acknowledgements’. It was the enclosure for keeping the messages of thanks sent by the people after receiving their desired gifts. This enclosure was the smallest because very few people remember to thank God.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” -Cicero

A person who was in depression and had attempted suicide was taken to a doctor. When asked the reason for his depression, he said “I have lost my capital in the business, my friends have betrayed me as a result of which I am under great stress. As I have nothing more to lose, I want to end my life” The doctor told him that he still was a ‘crorepati’.The man was amazed. The doctor explained “you have a loving and caring family. You also have healthy eyes, kidneys, liver, knees, and heart. The cost of transplanting these would run in crores. If only you would express gratitude to God daily for all the parts of your body, and loving family, you will come out of depression.”

Benefits of gratitude

• Gratitude brings with it optimism which in turn makes us happier, improves our health, and has been shown to increase lifespan.
• Gratitude and positive emotion, in general, are among the strongest relaxants known to man.
• Expressing gratitude to family members enhances cordial relations and bonds the family.
• Expressing gratitude to friends deepens friendships.
• Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, ranging from envy and resentment to frustration and regret.
• Spend just 15 minutes jotting down a few grateful sentiments before going to bed, and you may sleep better and longer.

As we express gratitude more and more, the law of attraction works to create more situations in our life for which we need to express gratitude.

Ways to cultivate gratitude

• Close your eyes and picture three people who made a difference in your life. Whether they are alive or not, think about them and how grateful you are that these people made an impact on you.
• Send a positive, encouraging text to someone right now, thanking that person for something he or she has done for you.
• Whether in response to a gift or kind act or simply as a show of gratitude for someone being in your life, getting into the habit of writing thank-you letters can help you express gratitude in addition to simply feeling it inside.
• One way to harness the positive power of gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal or list, where you actively write down exactly what you’re grateful for each day.
• Once a week, reflect on events for which you are grateful and write them down. As you do, feel the sensations of happiness and thankfulness you felt at the time it happened, going over it again in your mind.
• Expressing thanks during your prayers is another way to cultivate gratitude.
• Be thankful for what you have. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, remember the 1,000 reasons you have to smile.
• Give at least one compliment daily, whether directly to a person or by sharing your appreciation of something.

My experiments with gratitude

In have experienced the magical results of gratitude in my life by

• Thanking God every morning for giving me the gift of a new day,
• Keeping all the parts of my body and mind in a good state of health.
• Protecting me from accidents, misfortunes, diseases, calamities etc.
• Guiding me through all the situations of life.
• Keeping my near and dear ones safe and protected.
• Forgiving all my mistakes and accepting me with all my shortcomings.
• Thanking God every night for keeping me in HIS care the whole day.

By God’s grace, I have never been hospitalized. I am in a healthy state without any problems of BP or diabetes etc. I have served in the Army for two decades and come out without a scratch on my body.

Takeaway

It’s wonderful to see a person smile, and even more wonderful knowing that you are the reason behind it! The law of gratitude is one of the easiest ways of manifesting your true desires. The Greek philosopher said it best, A grateful mind is a great mind which eventually attracts to itself great things.”

Photo credit https://visualhunt.com/f/photo/4979586231/dc5de880e1/

Mind your posture

Tags

level, muscle fatigue, posture, smartphone, spinal cord, stiffness

Overview

Everyone wants to be happy and successful in whatever one is doing. But unless one is healthy, he can neither be happy nor successful. The age old adage ‘a sound mind in a sound body’ is more relevant today than any other time. In this era of technological advancements in the form of several gadgets, appliances it is all the more imperative to maintain a ‘sound ‘body’; I mean a healthy body without aches and pains. The lifestyle of these days has become so busy that we generally ignore our health. It’s only when there is a backache, headache, strain in the eyes, or mental fatigue that we rush to a doctor. Would it not be wiser if we take necessary precautions and avoid such emergencies?

The simple acts of sitting, standing, using a mobile phone, working on a computer, driving a vehicle or even sleeping, if not done in the right posture can cause aches and pains in different parts of the body. It is ironic that no one taught us what the ‘right posture’ was. Unknowingly we adopt postures which are not only wrong but which put undue pressure on the ligaments, muscles, and bones resulting in severe pains. Such pains can put a brake on our mobility and derail our steady pace of progress.

What is good posture?

Posture is the position in which you hold your body upright against gravity while standing, sitting or lying down. Good posture involves training your body to stand, walk, sit and lie in positions where the least strain is placed on supporting muscles and ligaments during movement or weight-bearing activities.

 

 Your posture says a lot about your personality.

Imagine a strong, powerful, confident person standing in front of you. What kind of posture does that person have? Undoubtedly, the person in front of you is standing tall with an open chest and a head held high. It’s a person who looks ready to take on the world.

Correct posture of standing

When standing, you should be able to draw an imaginary straight line from your earlobe through your shoulder, hip, knee and the middle of your ankle.

Correct posture of using the keyboard

People generally tend to bend forward while working on the keyboard of a computer or smartphone. Over time, this type of posture can contribute to you developing a rounded upper back, which can cause shoulder and upper back stiffness. Position yourself in such a way that your backbone remains vertical. Also avoid the temptation of working on your laptop sitting on the bed, as you will be bending your neck and spine.

 

Correct posture of using handset

Holding your phone handset between your ear and shoulder places a strain on the muscles of the neck, upper back, and shoulders.I have seen people driving and talking on their mobile in this posture. Try to get into the habit of holding the phone with your hand, or use a hands-free device, so that you don’t have to bend your neck.

Correct posture of sitting on a chair

We know that many of us have jobs that do require us to spend time working at desks, so it is important to know the correct posture of sitting on a chair.

      

Place your buttocks at the back of the seat while maintaining a small space between the back of your knees and the seat of the chair. Place your feet flat on the floor with your knees bent at a 90° angle. Pull your shoulders back and lift your chest. Keep in mind that even sitting in the “correct” position for long periods of time will eventually become uncomfortable. Don’t forget to take breaks, get up, move around and stretch! This will reduce the stress on your spine and help prevent muscle fatigue and stiffness.

Correct driving position

Many of us are required to drive a car daily. Use a back support (lumbar roll) at the curve of your back. Your knees should be at the same level or higher than your hips. Move the seat close to the steering wheel to support the curve of your back. The seat should be close enough to allow your knees to bend and your feet to reach the pedals.

Correct lifting position

Generally, when we have to lift something we unknowingly adopt the incorrect position as shown below. Always bend your knees before lifting a heavy object.

Correct posture for sleeping

No matter what position you lie in, the pillow should be under your head, but not your shoulders, and should have a thickness that allows your head to be in a normal position. Try to sleep in a position which helps you maintain the curve in your back. Do not sleep on your side with your knees drawn up to your chest. You may want to avoid sleeping on your stomach. Don’t use your smartphone in bed after switching off the lights.
Correct posture for checking mobile when standing

Constantly bending your head to look at your smartphone is damaging your posture. It puts undue pressure on the neck muscles and causes your chest to sink and your shoulders to roll forward a bit, giving you a hunchback. Just don’t look down at your phone and instead bring your phone up to eye level.

Takeaway

Maintaining good posture may help you avoid new health problems. Proper posture reduces abnormal wear and tear on joint surfaces, which can lead to arthritis. It also reduces stress on ligaments that connect spinal joints. As a thumb rule, just check that your spinal cord is straight as far as possible.

If you struggle with passivity and a lack of motivation, start focusing on your posture. It won’t immediately turn you into a confident and assertive person overnight. But it can help, and it’s so easy to do, there’s no reason not to try it.Remember “Prevention is always better than cure”.

Photo credit http://www.artofmanliness.com/

Featured image; https://visualhunt.com/f/photo/14804921013/fd5b174aac

Just slow down…

Tags

busy, relax, rest, rushing, speed, stress

Now a days…

…we feel irritated if a website doesn’t load instantly.

…we think taking a nap is a sign of laziness.

…we check our email, Facebook, and twitter 15 times a day.

…we eat instant oatmeal for breakfast, frozen meals for lunch, and order takeaway for dinner.

…we lose sleep over an upcoming deadline.

…we even take our own lives because the pressure to perform is too much to handle.

We fear that heavens will fall if things don’t get done. We work harder, and longer, and harder, and longer only to realize that there’s more to do. It never ends.

“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”

-Eddie Cantor

Why should we slow down?

The world is moving at breakneck speed. Information is overflowing 24 hours a day. We are busy, busy, and busy. Lunch is wolfed down. When we get home there is still so much to do, so much we want before finally falling into the bed.

“There’s more to life than increasing its speed.” – Mahatma Gandhi

But do we ever really gain anything from rushing? Just the act of rushing can trigger stress and anxiety. Rushing gives us the feeling like we’re getting more done but often it’s just the opposite.

All this hurrying from one thing to the next takes a toll on our bodies. It’s become too commonplace and we are in need of some recovery.

And we go on living as if there’s nothing wrong with this system. If there’s nothing wrong with this system, then why are so many people unhappy? Why are so many on medication to control anxiety, stress, and depression?

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”

Lily Tomlin

All this busyness has overloaded our minds. There’s just no rest; no sense of completion. Making it impossible to find a reason to smile. This overwork is not without consequence. It’s well known now that any work we do after about 45 hours a week starts to decrease in quality. This line from Harvard Business Review is gold: “In sum, the story of overwork is literally a story of diminishing returns: keep overworking, and you’ll progressively work more stupidly on tasks that are increasingly meaningless.”

We’re also sleeping less as a society, which kills productivity and increases health care costs.

How to slow down?

1. Choose three things to accomplish each day. I know, you could probably come up with a list of 100 things, but don’t. Keeping the list this size will force you to decide what’s really important. When you finish the list, the rest of the day is yours to relax. With this approach, you’ll be completing 21 important tasks a week. If you have more than that, seriously reevaluate your commitments.
2. Learn to say “no.” Stop taking on more responsibility. Sure, volunteering is a noble way to spend your time, but stretching yourself too thin can rob you of your peace of mind.
3. Be unproductive. Even if you can only manage 20 minutes a day at first. Do something which gives you joy, makes you laugh, brings a sparkle to your eyes, and makes you feel on top of the world.

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.”

Jim Goodwin

4. Check your email only twice a day. That includes twitter, Facebook, stocks, sports scores, blog stats – anything. Checking these sites frequently can become an addictive habit which steals time and drains your energy.
5. Embrace quality over quantity. Instead of joining every organization, subscribing to every blog, or taking every opportunity you get – try doing fewer things, but choosing the ones that really add value to your life.
6. Find a hobby. Try something new, you don’t have to be good at it. As long as it excites you and taps into your creativity.
7. Spend time with people you love. Sharing secrets, fears, and hopes with another human is the surest way to slow down and enjoy life. Find time every single day to spend with loved ones, and you won’t end up with a single death-bed regret.
8. Reconnect with wild animals. Animals slow us down to our natural rhythms, which is why animal-assisted therapy works so well at lowering blood pressure and healing psychological ills of many kinds.
9. Reconnect with plants. A simple pot on a windowsill slows us down to the pace of a seed, a seedling, a leaf and a flower.
10. Spend more time outdoors with nature. Most of us are indoors most of the time. Our bodies and souls cry out for long walks on a beach, contemplation in a forest or a few minutes in a nearby garden. These times slow life down to a healing, natural pace.

In a nutshell

Remember there is no real hurry. There’s only the one we create for ourselves through poor and unrealistic planning. Just because society is always on the go, does not mean you have to be.

Life is not a race. Do take it slower.

Hear the music. Before the song is over.

-David L. Weatherford

No wonder, people are craving for a slower, more sustainable pace of life. And I don’t mean sitting in rocking chair on a farm for 12 hours a day. I just mean a healthy pace of life, where we get plenty of things done but don’t have to feel like we’re constantly drowning. Shouldn’t that be a reasonable thing to want?  Begin to think about your legacy, the person you want to be, and how you want to be remembered.

 

Photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/jcb2u/461868113/”>jcb2u</a&gt; via <a href=”https://visualhunt.com/re/013e99″>VisualHunt.com</a&gt; / <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”&gt; CC BY-ND</a>

Why are we so alone?

Tags

communication, help, isolated, living, neighbors, people, social

Overview

The man is a social animal. We are all living in society it may be a village, town, or metro city. We are interdependent on one another. The present generation is blessed with maximum comforts, conveniences, technological gadgets, and appliances. There are so many devices like telephone, mobile, WhatsApp, Facebook to keep people in touch, like never before. If you happen to ask the man on the street some questions about his neighbors like name, profession, contact number, you are in for a disappointment, because very few would have the answers. Look at the people moving in common areas of housing societies or sharing lifts. Either they have plugged in the headphones or moving their fingers on the touch screen, or just lost in their thoughts. They neither know the people moving around them nor are interested to know them.In spite of living in the same complex, they are behaving like strangers. Most people identify their neighbors as ‘Punjabis’,’Madrasis’ etc. This is not what community living was supposed to be.

About fifty years back life was not so comfortable. There were not so many gadgets, conveniences or technological advancements. But human values and social values were intact. People not only knew their neighbors but also the people living in the vicinity and that too without the advent of WhatsApp, Facebook or even the humble telephone. They had concern for them and stood by them in times of need. They were together in times of celebrations and calamities. They solved their problems by discussing and using their collective wisdom, without seeking the help of the all-pervading Google.

Case studies

Let’s go through some case studies to realize the gravity of the problem.

1. Sonali was staying in Flat no 326 in Sector 29 Noida, with her parents, brother and a dog. This family did not have any contact with any residents of the society, because of their temperament. After the death of her parents, brother and dog she became depressed. She isolated herself by locking up in the flat.Sonali was ill and died after three months, but none of the neighbors even came to look her up. When the stinking smell started coming from the windows, the security guard called the Police who had to break open the door.

1. Asha is a 30 years old working girl is staying alone in a flat in Mumbai. She doesn’t interact with any of the neighbors because of various reasons. She has no time; she doesn’t trust anyone being single; she has no interest in meeting anyone. She spends her free time watching TV, surfing the net and is very active on the social media. One day at 11.30 pm she suffered an asthmatic attack. She called up her colleague who came from 40 kms away and took her to the hospital. She could have just ringed her neighbor’s doorbell and got immediate help, but she was a stranger to them. Unfortunately, her condition deteriorated waiting for her friend to come.

1. Mr. and Mrs. Reddy were staying in a flat in Bengaluru, with their aged father and two children. They were a working couple, who were so busy with their life that they had no time for their neighbors.Moreover, they felt that none of them were like minded and compatible with them. Once it so happened that the old man was ill and none of them could take leave from office, owing to some important commitment. As they had no communication with their neighbors, so they called the security guard just before going to the office, gave him a hundred rupee note and told him to keep checking their father on an hourly basis and keep them informed. The father who was from a village was wondering how people can be so isolated from their neighbors.

4. Prof Tara Devi retired as a Professor of English at Delhi University. She lives in her house in Rajouri Garden, New Delhi. Being an exponent of Bharatnatyam, she taught dance to celebrities like Hema Malini and Vijayantimala.She was awarded by President Radhakrishnan.After retirement, her husband expired and she has been living in isolation. She does not go anywhere, nor does anyone come to meet her. She has lost interest in life and keeps gazing in emptiness. The people living in her vicinity are not bothered about her. This is a tragic case of loneliness.

Reasons

There are many reasons for this growing sense of isolation in society. Let’s look into some of the factors which are responsible for this social malice.

1. Joint families have become a thing of the past and nuclear families have become the in thing.

2. Most of the jobs these days are so demanding in terms of time and energy, that people are exhausted when they return home. They spend the weekends relaxing at home or roaming around in malls.

3. Most of the people are shy, unconcerned and self-centered, which keeps them away from others.

4. People are in touch with hundreds of friends on the social media, but they have no time to say‘Hello’ to their neighbor.

5. A suspicious attitude prevents people from trusting their neighbors.There is a lurking doubt that others are out to exploit me.

6. People remain aloof under the garb of ‘privacy’. They don’t allow others to intrude in their lives.

Remedies

1. Be the first one to say ‘hello’ to fellow residents when you face them in common areas, lifts etc.

2. Whenever a new neighbor moves in, take the initiative to introduce yourself, know about him and offer whatever help is possible.

3. Organize and participate in community events, celebrations and picnics as often as possible.

4. If you are a member of your society WhatsApp /Facebook groups then offer concrete help to people rather than just forwarding junk.

5. Whenever you come to know that any community member is facing a crisis just leave everything else and go all out to help.

6. In the event of any crisis, the relatives may take a few hours or days to reach, but the neighbors are just a call away. The concept of extended family is a blessing in community living.

 

Photo credit:http://www.zedge.net/wallpapers/0-1-2-im%20alone/

How to become a good conversationalist?

Tags

cheerful, communication, conversation, criticize, improve, questions, skills

Overview

Effective communication skills are fundamental to success in many aspects of life.  Many jobs require strong communication skills and people with good communication skills usually enjoy better interpersonal relationships with friends and family.

“You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can’t get them across, your ideas won’t get you anywhere.” ~Lee Iacocca

The good news is that anyone can develop good communication skills. And it’s encouraging to know that even small improvements in your ability to connect with others will have a profound effect on the quality of your life. Let’s discuss some dos and don’ts for honing your communication skills.

Do’s

1. Start with general talk:

Start a conversation by saying something general and not too personal, for example talk about the weather (“Pleasant day, isn’t it?”); pay a compliment (“That sweater looks great on you”); make an observation (“I noticed that you were reading a book on fitness, do you go to a gym?”); or introduce yourself (“I don’t think we have met, I’m…”).

2. Give a compliment:

Try giving a compliment: But remember to always be sincere: only pay a compliment to someone if you truly believe what you are saying.

3. Use the FORD principle:

Sometimes people find it difficult to open up to strangers. To break the silence follow the FORD principle: talk about family, occupation, recreation and dreams. That could help you and the other person to find common ground.

4. Nonverbal clues

Pay attention to your body language and show that you are interested in the conversation.

5. Tell a story:

Stories help to make the conversation interesting. Everyone’s got at least one great story with them. Choose the one apt to the occasion and a smooth conversation will follow.

6. Be a good listener:

“A good conversation is a bunch of words elegantly connected with listening.”

People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to communicate. 

7. Include Humor:

Humor adds spice to the conversation and makes it lively, but do ensure your humor is appropriate to the situation. Humor is healthy till it does not ridicule or hurt someone.

8. Wear a smile:

Maintain a positive, cheerful attitude during the conversation and reinforce it with your pleasing smile.

9. Maintain eye contact:

Maintaining eye contact communicates to the other person that you are not only interested in them and what they have to say, but that you are also trustworthy

10. Volume control:

Remember to speak loudly enough so that others can hear you.Modulate your voice during the conversation.

11. Open ended questions:

Ask open-ended questions about their interests. Ask questions that will get them to talk about their interests and their life in a way that provides you with insight into their needs and wants.

12. Ending the conversation:

Think of a graceful way to end the conversation. For example, you can say that you need to refill your drink, catch up with another person at a party, get back to work, or you can promise to continue the conversation at a later time or date.

Don’ts

1. Get Rid of Unnecessary Fillers:

Um’s and ah’s do little to improve your conversations. Cut them out to feel more confident. One way is to start keeping track of when you say words like “um” or “like.” “I know”etc.

2. Put Away the Distractions:

It’s pretty rude to use your phone while someone’s talking to you.Even if you receive a call during a conversation, politely say “I will call you back later.”

3. Don’t talk too little or too much:

Remember that a conversation is a 2-way street – don’t talk too little, or too much. As much as possible, try to contribute to about one-half of the conversation when speaking one on one.

4. Don’t blow your own trumpet:

Avoid the temptation to show off or brag about your achievements. Remember “Self-praise has no recommendation.”

5. Don’t be sarcastic:

Don’t fall a prey to passing sarcastic comments during the conversation, as it puts off people.

6. Don’t condemn or criticize:

Don’t condemn or criticize anyone during the conversation, because the person may feel that you may say similar things about him to someone else.

7. Don’t try to gain sympathy by narrating your problems:

No one likes to converse with a person who paints himself as a victim of circumstances.

8. Don’t ask for help or favor:

When talking to an acquaintance (not a friend) don’t ask for a help or favor.

9. Don’t ask personal questions:

Never try to intrude into the privacy by asking personal questions, as it may create an embarrassing situation.

10. Don’t talk loudly:

Sometimes people start talking loudly out of excitement, but it is not a good etiquette.

11. Never ask a man his wage or a woman her age

This is an age old adage, but its validity cannot be overemphasized.

12. Don’t interrupt

During the course of conversation when an idea comes to your mind, don’t interrupt.It is better to keep quiet, let the person have his say, and only then speak.

In a nutshell

Since people play such a big role in your life, your entire life will be much smoother if you take the time to improve the way you connect with others by developing better communication skills.

Before long, you’ll find it easy to connect with just about anyone in any situation. This ability will open up an abundance of new opportunities that would not have been available otherwise. That’s the power of effective communication skills. I would like to end with my favorite quote: “The quality of your life is the quality of your communication.” ~Tony Robbins

Photo credit: https://www.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/talks-170972045

 

Roadmap to achieve your goal: Do’s and Don’ts

Tags

energize, enthusiasm, failure, focus, goals, plan

Having chosen the goals correctly, it’s time to chalk out a roadmap to achieve them. Let’s discuss some do’s and don’ts so that we reach our destination without going astray and as scheduled, on time.

Do’s

1. Write down your goals:

Simply writing your goals down will put you years ahead of most people. Brian Tracy once said that only about 5% of people have goals written down, so just writing them down will differentiate you from the 95%.

2. Make a time plan:

“A goal without a plan is just a wish” -Antoine de Saint Exupéry.

You have to plan step by step how to reach your goals, otherwise, you will waste a lot of time and energy in trial and error.

3. Read your goals loudly:

When you read them with gratitude as if you are already in possession of everything you want, you energize yourself and gain momentum.

4. Always see the big picture:

If you want to reach a goal, you must ‘see the reaching’ in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal. Zig Ziglar

Imagine the big picture involving the kind of lifestyle you will have after achieving the goal.Mentally get a feeling of every possible benefit that you will experience upon completion of the goal. This is usually enough to kick start your engine and get you going with full enthusiasm.

5. Declare your goals:

Make yourself accountable; you are more likely to take action if you declare your goals to your group. If possible create a mastermind group; this can be your group of like-minded people who are encouraging and helping each other to grow.

6. Visualize your goal:

Our mind understands pictures better than words. Make visuals of your goals and paste on the back of the bedroom door, bathroom mirror, and refrigerator, background of your cell phone, computer or the dashboard of your car.

7. Work with energy and enthusiasm:

Your goals should drive you out of your comfort zone to act with high energy and enthusiasm.

8. Measure your progress regularly:

If your goal is to multiply your sales volume, then you should be able to measure the increase in your sales every month. Celebrate each stage of progress and reward yourself.

9. Be flexible:

Life is not linear it’s dynamic, things are going to change. As you move ahead ,your perspective changes, you become wiser. Be prepared to modify your strategy if required.

Don’ts

1. Don’t be afraid to fail:

You have to understand that failure is inevitable in life. Choose to treat failures as feedbacks. It is alright if you fail. As long as you never give up and learn from your failure, you will eventually succeed.

2. Don’t lower down your level of commitment:

Even though people say that they want to achieve a certain goal, most of them don’t put in 100% effort. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to reach your goals?

3. Don’t get bogged down with Analysis Paralysis:

Many people let questions and doubts paralyze them. They believe they can’t start moving towards their goal until they have all the answers to every “what if” scenario. However, no matter how long and hard you prepare, you will never have all the answers to the questions you might ask. So push yourself and take the first step.

4. Don’t lose confidence:

Some people really don’t believe they’re capable of attaining a given goal. They lose confidence when they face challenges, and start doubting whether the goal is achievable or not?

5. Don’t focus what you do not want:

The average person can tell you what they do not want but successful people will always tell you what they do want. Knowing that you do not like your job, may give you the impetus you need to start looking for alternative work, but if you keep dwelling on the job that you dislike, you will be focusing on negativity which in turn will lead to loss of confidence. Instead, focus on the wonderful new job you’re going to get.

6. Don’t get distracted:

People get distracted and waste time in watching TV, playing games, surfing the net or social media for hours at a stretch. Stop wasting too much time on tasks that don’t matter. Choose to spend time working on things that truly matter to you.

7. Don’t listen to the naysayers:

There will be a lot of people who will tell you that your goals are impossible, or it is too difficult, or nobody has ever done it before. Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.

8. Don’t hang around with mediocre people:

If you always mingle with people who have no dreams or goals, you will eventually abandon your dreams and your goals. On the other hand, if you mix with other successful people who always talk about dreams and goals, you will be inspired by their conversations and their thinking.

9. Don’t let excuses come to your mind:

Don’t accept excuses like “I don’t have enough time; I don’t know how; I don’t have the money to do it, etc”. Train your mind to think of a solution and not an excuse.

Photocredit: https://www.google.com/search?site=&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1440&bih=794&q=achieving+goals+images&oq=achieving+goal&gs_l=img.1.2.0l10.7040.12068.0.15762.15.12.0.3.3.0

What you need to know about choosing your goal?

Tags

choose, dream, goal, passions, purpose, strengths, want

Overview

We all have our aspirations and dreams, don’t we? But some of us seem to be more successful at achieving our goals than others. We can attribute it to natural talent, the right connections or just plain luck. Sometimes those reasons are valid, but more often than not, people who achieve their goals are people who chose the right goals in the first place. Many people feel as if they’re adrift in the world. They work hard, but they don’t seem to get anywhere. A key reason that they feel this way is that they haven’t spent enough time thinking about what they want from life, and haven’t set themselves appropriate goals.

 “Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

After all, would you set out on a major journey with no real idea of your destination? Probably not! A person without any goals is quite like a ship without a rudder or a letter without an address. Setting goals gives you purpose, and they help you to guide your life.

“If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable.”

― Seneca

There are countless books, articles and self-help workshops on how to set goals and the process of achieving goals, but little has been written on how to choose the right goals.

Why is this important?

Because choosing the wrong goals almost always results in frustration, failure, because if you set a wrong goal for yourself, then it’s like boarding a wrong train.

“It’s better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than at the top of the one you don’t.” ~Stephen Kellogg

If we really want to be successful in life, we have to choose the goals that are right for us. If you want success in life, you need to choose goals that are in conformity with your values, your strengths, your passions and your desired lifestyle. They lead to better health, better relationships, and better careers, and they make us better people.

Attributes of goals

“The greater danger for most of us isn’t that our aim is too high and miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” ~ Michelangelo

Goals should be big enough. It doesn’t matter if you think it is far-fetched, put it down. Being realistic is the most common road to mediocrity. If you want to do something abnormal you are going to have to try some abnormal things. Don’t be surprised if people think you are crazy, your goals should be so big, that small minded people don’t understand.

Goals should have a date. A goal without a date on it is a wish. Even if you think, the date is impossible, put it down. Putting a date on it makes you develop a sense of urgency and cultivate self-discipline. It is important to ensure that the goals that you have set are ones that you genuinely want to achieve, not ones that your parents, family, or employers might want.

The questionnaire

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Why do I want this?
• What will it mean if I attain it? What if I do not?
• How will attaining this goal add value to my life?
• Is it conformity with my current thoughts, beliefs, and values?
• What is the cost of attaining this goal in time?
• What are my values? Your goals must be consistent with your values.
• What do I love doing? If your passion becomes your profession, then you don’t have to work for a living.
• What are my strengths? Reasoning, speaking, convincing, drawing, athletics, memorizing, whatever.

Discuss with a trusted friend or family member who can be objective with you during the process. The answers to these questions will narrow down your choice of goal.

Long term and short term goals

Take a look at the various aspects of your life: Health, Relationships, Career, and Finances.  Where are you right now in each of these areas? Write down an honest self-assessment. Specifically, where would you like to be in each of these areas in the next 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, and 5 years? The answers to these questions will help you to formulate your short term goals.

Just think: what kind of a person you want to become? What kind of lifestyle you want to have? What kind of house you want to live in? What kind of family life do you visualize? What kind of vacations do you want to enjoy? This will help you to set long-term goals. Decide a timeline, and then work backwards. If your long term goal is for 15 years, break it up into 5 year periods. Then break up the first 5 years into every year and quarters of each year.

How to choose your goal

A goal is a dream with a deadline. Napoleon Hill

You must allow yourself to dream. There are no barriers. Also forget to be reasonable, explore all possibilities. It is totally irrelevant if what comes to your mind is possible or not. Write down anything and everything that comes to mind – all of the things you’d like to accomplish and those that sound exciting. Look at what you’ve written down. Allot them numbers from 1-10 where 10 is the most motivating, that means if you reach it, you really made progress towards what you really want in life.From this list select the 3 highest rated goals and set deadlines to when you will achieve them. So it’s time to give yourself a pat for finally having chosen your goal correctly.