Humour

A  Salesman who used the wrong technique to become successful

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Saudis?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch and be successful. But I had a problem. I didn’t know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were posted all over the place.

“Terrific! That should have worked ” said the friend.

“The hell it should have!” said the salesman. “No one told me they read from right to left.”

Letter form an Indian mother to her son

Read it carefully……..It’s hilarious just to brighten up your face

My Dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house number with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, n that our address will remain same too.

This place really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet.

I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father’s last wishes.

His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S.Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

The funny side of Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich.

“Marry me!”- That’s Direct Marketing”

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing to you says: “He is very rich. “Marry him” – That’s Advertising……………..

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: Hi, I’m very rich “Marry me” – That’s Telemarketing……..

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you. “You get up and straighten your tie, you walk to her and pour her drink, and you open the door (of the car) and say “Marry Me?”—that’s Public Relations………”

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: “you are very rich! Can you marry! Me?” – That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. – “That’s Customer Feedback”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich.

“Marry me!” “And she introduces you to her husband. – “That’s demand and supply gap….”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tells her: “I’m rich will you marry me?” and she goes with him–That’s competition eating into your market share…………..”

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: I’m rich, marry me!” your wife arrives – That’s restriction for entering new market….”

 Lalu translating at his best

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data – to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA

A few days later he got this reply;

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No Phone calls shall be entertained.

Thanks

Bill Gates.

Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference:

“ Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko amereeca mein naukri mil gaye .Every one was delighted . Laloo Prasad continued……….. “ Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter  sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze me ha; isliyen saath saath  Hindi main translate bhe karege

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad………Pyare laloo Prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet……………  aap to miltay hee naheen ho

Our requirement…………… humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any further correspondence……..ab letter vetter bhajne ka kaouno zaroorat nahi

No Phone calls………..Phoonwa ka bhe zaroorat nahee hai

Shall be entertanined……..Bahut khaatir kee kee jayegi

Thanks……..aapkaa bhaut bhaut dhanyavad.

Bill Gates……….Tohra Bilva.

How to recruit the right man for the right job

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the Bricks.
Put them in the “accounts department.”

If they are recounting them..
Put them in “auditing” ..

If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in” engineering.”

If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in” planning.”

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in “operations” .

If they are sleeping.
Put them in “security.”

If they have broken the bricks Into pieces.
Put them in” information Technology”

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in ”human resources.”

If they say they have tried different combinations,
yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in ”sales”.

If they have already left for The day.
Put them in” marketing..”.

If they are staring out of the Window.
Put them on ”strategic planning”.

And the last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick
has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them

In” Top management”

Funny letter of Project leader

Dear Manager (HR),

Vivek , my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Signed

Project Leader

And then read the second mail, sent immediately!!!!!

In second mail same manager wrote:

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report

sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13)

for my true assessment of him.

Amusing letter written to a banker

Only a Senior could enlighten  these smart Bankers.
 Seniors Banking… PRICELESS!!


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

 
And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place.
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